Standing in support of Israel, Jews, and believers in all the nations, in the name of Jesus (Yeshua). Sharing biblical truth, encouragement, news and prophecy.
Lakewood Church is the largest U.S. megachurch, with more than 43,000 regular attendees. (Facebook)
The number of very large churches continues to increase, as our graphic dramatically illustrates. And within that group, the biggest churches continue to get bigger. In the past I've written about everything from sanctuary sizes (very few new ones over 5,000) to the first megachurch (start with Pentecost when "about 3,000" were converted, per Acts 2:41) to global megachurches (Korea and Nigeria are currently leading).
But what about the people who attend really big churches? Fellow researcher Scott Thumma and I surveyed some 25,000 of them, with some fascinating discoveries:
Nearly two-thirds of attendees have been at these churches five years or less.
Many attendees come from other churches, but nearly a quarter haven't been in any church for a long time before coming to a megachurch.
New people almost always come to the megachurch because family, friends or co-workers invited them.
Fifty-five percent of megachurch attendees volunteer at the church in some way (a higher percentage than in smaller churches).
What first attracted attendees were the worship style, the senior pastor and the church's reputation, in that order.
These same factors also influenced long-term attendance, as did the music/arts, social and community outreach and adult-oriented programs.
Attendees report a considerable increase in their involvement in church, in their spiritual growth and in their needs being met.
Attendees can craft unique, customized spiritual experiences through the multitude of ministry choices and diverse avenues for involvement that megachurches offer.
In many ways, large churches today are making good progress in reaching people and moving them from spectators to active participants to growing disciples of Jesus Christ.
Warren Bird, Ph.D., research director at Leadership Network, with background as a pastor and seminary professor, is author or co-author of 26 books for ministry leaders including Better Together: Making Church Mergers Workwith Jim Tomberlin. Follow him on Twitter at @warrenbird.
It’s spring! Now is the season for longer days, outdoor fun and one of my favorite pastimes—gardening. I’m no master gardener, but I do enjoy planting on a small scale. There’s nothing like freshly picked basil, cilantro or thyme to pack flavor into a dish. And the taste of tomatoes, strawberries and peppers from my own backyard beats anything I can buy in a supermarket.
But the benefits of gardening go beyond great-tasting, nutritious foods. The garden is where many biblical truths are literally brought to life. Through “working the soil,” I’ve gained a better understanding of some deep spiritual precepts, including that of the harvest.
More than likely, most of us have heard teaching or preaching on the topic of a spiritual harvest. But if we are honest with ourselves, we’ll admit there are periods when we’re not experiencing the bountiful blessings promised in the message. Of course, there are many reasons why this might be the case, but let’s start with the concept of sowing and reaping.
Sowing and Reaping
God’s natural laws hold true in the spirit realm. This is especially clear with sowing and reaping: “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap” (Gal. 6:7). So when we experience periods of barrenness, where an expected harvest did not come to pass, the first question to ask is, “What, if anything, have I sown?”
In the natural, we don’t question this concept. In my own garden, if I sow beet seeds, I know beets will grow. I don’t pray for beets, claim beets or “speak life” into the soil for a harvest of beets if I haven’t planted the seed. Likewise, I don’t look for peppers if it’s beets that I’ve sown. We have no problem accepting sowing and reaping as a natural law. But we must also accept it as a spiritual law.
What Did You Sow?
Are we expecting to reap a financial blessing—when we haven’t spread seeds of generosity?
Do we anticipate the harvest of a better job—when we haven’t scattered seeds of diligence and integrity with our current employer?
Are we looking for an outpouring of favorable relationships—when we haven’t sprinkled seeds of kindness, commitment and courtesy?
The law of sowing and reaping even applies to our physical health. Many times we are afflicted because our lifestyles have sown seeds of illness, seeds that will eventually bear the fruit of disease.
God's Love Remains
Truly, God is not mocked. We will reap what we sow. But always remember: While sowing and reaping are laws, they do not reflect God’s love. His agape love is unconditional. So no matter what the harvest—whether barren or bountiful—God’s love toward us remains. And for that, we can rejoice!
Adapted fromDr. Kara Davis'sblog. Dr. Davis is a doctor of internal medicine and a former assistant professor of medicine at the University of Illinois at Chicago. She currently practices at the Christian Community Health Center in the Chicagoland area, and she is also the author of Spiritual Secrets to Weight Loss (Charisma House).
The battle of the Christian life has always been not just to believe, but to keep on believing. This is how we grow strong in faith and see the actual fulfillment of God's promises in our lives.
Today we tend to soft-pedal unbelief as little more than a common weakness. But God takes no such easygoing approach (Heb. 10:35-39).
Rejecting God's promises to us is far more destructive than the sensational sins we often talk about. The Bible says it is a "sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God" (Heb. 3:12, NIV).
The great target of Satan is to break down our faith. He knows all too well that the righteous live by faith, so he aims at cutting our lifeline to God.
Faith is like the hand that reaches up to receive what God has freely promised. If the devil can pull your hand back down to your side, then he has succeeded.
Real faith is produced when our hearts draw near to God and receive His promises deep within us. There, by divine power, His Word will work supernaturally.
The chronic disease that afflicts us is not a lack of effort; it's a lack of real faith. Many times we are treating the outward behavior and not its source.
We are running the race of faith. And we desire to receive not only God's ultimate promise of salvation but also the many other promises He has made to us along the way.
Faith Follows Promises
Because of the unique place God has given to faith, His grace flows along the channels of His promises—not His commands. God's commands show His holy character and reveal our sinfulness, but they have no ability in themselves to empower us to obey.
It is not that we don't know what is right or that we don't desire to live that way. Our problem is mustering the spiritual strength to obey, and the commands of God cannot impart that (Rom. 7:18).
Saints down through the ages have not so much clung to the holy commands of God and the accompanying judgment to all offenders as they have cherished the promises and revelations concerning His great salvation through Christ (Rom. 4:5; 8:1, 3; 1 John 1:9). When trusted, these blessed promises of God release His supernatural grace in and through us.
It is these promises that draw the heart to God in faith. In fact, the great command of the New Covenant is to believe!
The Israelites who left Egypt came up short with regard to possessing the new land for this reason: They heard clearly what God promised, but their hearts did not receive it in faith (Heb. 4:2).
Today it is possible to make a living as an esteemed theologian and yet have no more living faith than a slug. Christians can listen to the Word preached every Sunday—and even have a devotional life of sorts throughout the week—without rising above the cynicism, depression and unbelief that are so prevalent in our culture.
The Word must find within our hearts an atmosphere in which its divine power can be released. That kind of dynamic faith fairly oozes from the words of the great Israelite leader Joshua near the end of his life.
He was one of only two men who left Egypt as adults and actually made it all the way into the Promised Land. His parting instructions reveal the environment in which faith blossoms and grows.
Look Back With Thanksgiving
Joshua begins his farewell with this ringing statement: "You yourselves have seen everything the Lord your God has done to all these nations for your sake; it was the Lord your God who fought for you" (Josh. 23:3).
In other words, look back and think about all He has done. How can we have faith for the future if we don't look back often and thank God for all He's given us in the past?
A lack of gratitude is, in fact, one of our besetting sins. In most of our churches, there is no outpouring of vibrant thanksgiving and praise each Sunday because we are too preoccupied with our problems.
Give Him praise! Let Him know from the depths of your heart how much you appreciate His goodness!
Whether it is part of your religious tradition or not, get past your self-consciousness and formality to praise the Lord. Refuse to be embarrassed or hindered by anyone.
Look Ahead With Anticipation
Next Joshua turned his attention to the future. At the end of his years, he was still invoking the promises of God and boldly declaring that "the Lord your God Himself" would conquer the remaining Canaanite nations (Josh. 23:5).
Every one of us can point to things in our lives that are not yet the way God wants them to be. He wants to root out things that hinder and mar our Christlikeness.
God also wants to use us to bless and encourage other people in ways we have never dreamed. And He will do these things as we live in this blessed atmosphere of faith!
Among the many definitions of faith, perhaps none is more important than Hebrews 11:1: "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Faith is the ability of the human spirit to receive impressions from God that are born of His Word and made alive by the Holy Spirit. We simply know that something is going to happen, for God's Word has been received and has activated this spiritual sense called faith.
The natural senses have to do with present and visible things. But faith has to do primarily with these future and invisible things that God has promised us in His Word.
Back in the most difficult days of pastoring the Brooklyn Tabernacle, my wife, Carol, and I were struggling to stay afloat with maybe 40 people attending on Sunday mornings. When our daughter, Chrissy, was about 2 years old, we noticed a lump under her eyelid.
I'd spent time praying about the problem. But I knew there was no faith in my heart, only apprehension.
We scraped up the money, and I took her to a doctor who recommended surgery. I knew what God had said in the Bible about healing; but I was filled with doubt and fear. I needed true, living faith, not theoretical faith.
The following Sunday, we were worshiping together at the end of the service. Suddenly my heart was flooded with a kind of divine light, and I was overcome with God's awesome greatness, which makes everything on earth seem minuscule.
I envisioned my daughter being prayed for, and I saw her being healed! It was a real picture before the eyes of my heart. God had birthed something within me.
A teen-age girl brought my daughter forward. We gathered around her, anointed her with oil and prayed together for God to heal her. Within 48 hours, the lump was entirely gone, with no medical intervention of any kind.
Now what would happen in our churches if people came to each meeting with great faith and belief that God was about to do something wonderful? Unfortunately, many Christians who strongly defend the verbal inspiration of Scripture are the most unbelieving and cynical about God ever doing a new thing in His church.
My question is: If Jesus is the same today as He was in the Bible we defend, why shouldn't we believe Him to do great things among us and through us, so we can touch people's lives in powerful ways as did the first-century apostles?
Peter was no perfect saint, but God chose him and used him mightily on the day of Pentecost. God can do the same with us if we look to Him with childlike faith in our hearts.
Look Inward—But Carefully
In addition to looking back and looking ahead, Joshua called the people to take stock of their obedience. They were to obey the law of Moses and to separate themselves from the idolatrous nations that were among them (Josh. 23:6-8).
This separation from ungodly things was for the purpose of maintaining the strength of the Hebrews for battle. Alliance with sinful things saps our strength and leaves us weak before the enemy.
Joshua knew this all too well from what had happened back at Ai (Josh. 7:1-26). After the stirring victory at Jericho, the army suffered an unexpected and humiliating defeat because the sinful disobedience of one soldier, Achan, had separated the people from God's holy companionship.
Introspection is a two-edged sword. There are special times for looking inward—for example, when receiving communion (1 Cor. 11:28-32) and at other moments of divine searching.
However, if this process consumes us, Satan can gain the upper hand, keeping us preoccupied with our failures rather than with Christ's pardon and power. The apostles called people to cleanse their hearts before God and then move on to faith and the fullness of the Holy Spirit.
Look Away to Jesus
Joshua's final instruction is stated very simply: "Be very careful to love the Lord your God" (Josh. 23:11). Our gaze must always be upon Him, for He is the one who will perform everything.
Satan wants us to focus on the problem, not the Provider. If we stop spending time with the Lord in prayer, the concerns of the physical world snatch our attention while the spiritual senses deaden and the promises fade.
The number one reason Christians today don't pray more is that we do not grasp the connection between prayer and the promises of God. We are trying in vain to pray "because we're supposed to" without a living faith in the promises of God concerning prayer.
When real faith in God arises, a certainty comes that when we call, He will answer. Soon we find ourselves seeking Him for wayward children to be saved, for a greater sense of the Holy Spirit in our church services and for spiritual gifts and power to be released.
Strength to keep believing often flows into us as we just take time to wait in God's presence and worship Him. His promises become wonderfully alive as the Spirit applies them to our hearts.
God Is Waiting for You
Let us not be hesitant about trusting God. What really matters isn't our efforts, but the wonderful truth that God is a faithful God (Heb. 10:22-23).
It is not what happens to people that makes for tragedy in their lives; it is the missed opportunities to see God help them due to their unbelief that is the real tragedy.
Joshua must have had God's faithfulness in mind when he ended his speech that day with this great crescendo: "You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the Lord your God gave you has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed" (Josh. 23:14).
We, too, can finish our race in life with the same powerful declaration. Only keep believing in the God whose promises are forever true.
Jim Cymbalahas been pastor of the Brooklyn Tabernacle since 1972. He is co-author with Dean Merrill of Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire. He lives in New York with his wife, Carol, who directs the Grammy Award-winning Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir. Dean Merrill assisted in the writing of this article.
Last week my column “10 Men Christian Women Should Never Marry” went viral. More than 1.2 million people have shared that message so far—most likely because so many single men and women are seriously asking for guidelines on finding a compatible mate.
In response I received numerous requests to share similar guidelines for men who are looking for wives. Since I am mentoring several young men right now and have seen a few of them marry successfully during the past few years, it wasn’t difficult to draft this list. These are the women I tell my spiritual sons to avoid:
1. The unbeliever. In last week’s column, I reminded women that the Bible is absolutely clear on this point: Christians should not marry unbelievers. Second Corinthians 6:14 says, “Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness?” (NASB). Apart from your decision to follow Christ, marriage is the single most important decision you will ever make. Don’t blow it by ignoring the obvious. You need a wife who loves Jesus more than she loves you. Put spiritual maturity at the top of your list of qualities you want in a wife.
2. The material girl. One young friend of mine was engaged to a girl from a rich family. He saved up money for months to buy a ring, but when he proposed she told him he needed to go back to the jewelry store to buy a bigger diamond. She pushed her fiance to go into debt for a ring that fit her expectations. She wanted a Tiffany’s lifestyle on his Wal-Mart budget. I warned my friend that he was stepping into serious trouble. Unless you want to live in debt for the rest of your life, do not marry a girl who has dollar signs in her eyes and eight credit cards in her Gucci purse.
3. The diva.Some macho guys like to throw their weight around and pretend they are superior to women. Divas are the female version of this nightmare. They think the world revolves around them, and they don’t think twice about hurting somebody else to prove their point. Their words are harsh and their finger-snapping demands are unreasonable. Some of these women might end up in leadership positions at church, but don’t be fooled by their super-spiritual talk. Real leaders are humble. If you don’t see Christlike humility in the woman you are dating, back away from her and keep looking.
4. The Delilah.Remember Samson? He was anointed by God with superhuman strength, but he lost his power when a seductive woman figured out his secret and gave her man the world’s most famous haircut. Like Delilah, a woman who hasn’t yielded her sexuality to God will blind you with her charms, break your heart and snip your anointing off. If the “Christian” woman you met at church dresses provocatively, flirts with other guys, posts sexually inappropriate comments on Facebook or tells you she’s OK with sex before marriage, get out of that relationship before she traps you.
5. The contentious woman.A young man told me recently that he dated a girl who had serious resentment in her heart because of past hurts. “Before I would propose, I told my fiancee she had to deal with this,” he explained. “It would have been a deal-breaker, but there was a powerful breakthrough and now we are engaged.” This guy realized that unresolved bitterness can ruin a marriage. Proverbs 21:9 says, “It is better to live in a corner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman.” If the woman you are dating is seething with anger and unforgiveness, your life together will be ruined by arguing, door-slamming and endless drama. Insist that she get prayer and counseling.
6. The controller.Marriage is a 50/50 partnership, and the only way it works is when both husband and wife practice mutual submission according to Ephesians 5:21. Just as some guys think they can run a marriage like a dictatorship, some women try to manipulate decisions to get their way. This is why premarital counseling is so important! You don’t want to wait until you’ve been married for two weeks to find out that your wife doesn’t trust you and wants to call all the shots.
7. The mama’s girl.It’s normal for a new wife to call her mom regularly for advice and support. It is not normal for her to talk to her mother five times a day about every detail of her marriage, including her sex life. That’s weird. Yet I have counseled guys whose wives allowed their mothers (or fathers) total control of their marriages. Genesis 2:24 says a man is to leave his parents and cleave to his wife. Parents should stay in the background of their children’s marriages. If your girlfriend hasn’t cut the apron strings, proceed with caution.
8. The addict. So many people in the church today have not been properly discipled. Many still struggle with various types of addictions—to alcohol, illegal drugs, prescription medicines or pornography—either because we don’t confront these sins from the pulpit or we don’t offer enough compassionate support to strugglers. Jesus can completely set a person free from these habits, but you don’t want to wait until you’re married to find out your wife isn’t sober. You may still be called to be married, but it is not wise to tie the knot until your girlfriend faces her issues head-on.
Your best rule to follow in choosing a wife is found in Proverbs 31:30: “Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.” Look past the outward qualities that the world says are important, and look at the heart.
J. Lee Grady is the former editor of Charisma and the director of the Mordecai Project. You can follow him on Twitter at @leegrady. He is the author of 10 Lies Men Believe and other books.
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Someone once asked, "We know it's a sin to be angry about things that God isn't angry about, yet is it a sin not to be angry about things that God is angry about?"
We don't hear many sermons on the anger of God because He is "slow to anger," but it is real. The Bible tells us to consider both the "kindness and severity of God" (Rom. 11:22, ESV). Once in a while, maybe we should substitute the chorus "God is so good" with "God is so mad."
Scripture tells us, "Be ye angry, and sin not" (Eph. 4:26, KJV). In other words, there is such a thing as righteous anger toward that which is evil in the sight of God.
Jesus demonstrated this when He rebuked the disciples in their shunning of children who wanted to come to Him. The same was true when He cleared the temple of the money changers who were polluting the house of God.
How about you? As we witness the regular mockery of biblical standards for sexuality, marriage and family in our culture, do you feel what God is feeling—righteous anger? May none of us display a yawning indifference and casual dismissal regarding what's happening. May the zeal of the Lord of hosts arise in all our spirits to see righteousness restored! And knowing "man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires" (James 1:20), we must channel God's anger in charitable and constructive ways.
My longtime friend Dr. Michael Brown reminds us to be merciful and reject self-righteousness as we winsomely reach out to immoral people and those practicing homosexuality. But in loving all gays, we must resist the radical gay agenda. "It is the greatest threat to religious freedom in our generation!" he declares. Undergirding this should be a godly passion and holy hatred for what this agenda is doing to destroy biblical morality, marriage and family in our generation.
Going Back to the Grammys
Yesterday someone contacted me, mentioning how timely it was that my last commentary on Michelle Obama and Beyoncé came before Queen Bey's opening performance at the 2014 Grammy awards. This woman, whom our first lady commends as a role model, sang "Drunk in Love" while writhing as a stripper and censors bleeped unprintables during her "sexcapade seranade."
Mind you, this presentation wasn't on late-night cable MTV with Miley Cyrus sensual shenanigans but on a mainstream CBS broadcast during family hours to tens of millions across America and abroad.
The show also featured former Christian Katy Perry flaunting her sex in a satanic witchcraft spectacle with fire, horned men and a sacrificial offering to ... ?
Then Macklemore belted out his gay anthem, "Same Love," as closet lesbian Queen Latifah officiated over a ceremony where same-sex marriages were celebrated.
This annual broadcast is said to represent the very best music has to offer to the world. It also reveals the gravity of the situation we face in our culture today.
That same day, the Disney Channel's kid show Good Luck Charlie introduced two lesbian moms for our children, and later, NBC Entertainment Chairman Bob Greenblatt, an open homosexual, announced his working with lesbian Ellen DeGeneres for a new lesbian-themed comedy called One Big Happy for network TV.
Let's face it: America is in deep trouble and in desperate need of spiritual awakening. Our nation, founded on Judeo-Christian principles, has flourished for three centuries but now is teetering on the precipice. Time is of the essence. We must feel what God feels regarding unfaithfulness to His dictates on sexuality and marriage while praying, proclaiming the gospel and presenting a biblical model for the world to see.
Check Out Ezra and Nehemiah
Two leaders in the Bible who imbibed the anger of God regarding marital unfaithfulness were Ezra and Nehemiah. They knew that favor comes as faithfulness is upheld. They felt what God felt, rejected a spineless approach to what they observed, and were courageous to speak up in their generation, challenging people to align with divine standards. In light of our current cataclysmic moral upheaval, we must do the same.
When Ezra learned how the people had drifted from God's moral directives, he tore his tunic and cloak, pulled hair from his head and beard, and sat down appalled. He fell on his knees with his hands spread out to God and prayed fervently. He mourned but also took action to call people back to the standards that God had set. No detached, namby-pamby, unemotional approach here! (See Ezra 9 and 10.)
Likewise, Nehemiah, in his day, called the people back to God's standards for marriage and family without any hint of compromise. Those who were following unrighteous standards, he rebuked, called curses down on them, physically attacked some of the men and even pulled out their hair! With all the passion he could muster, he reminded them what covenant marriage was and drove out the scoffers. (See Nehemiah 13:23-27.) Obviously, we don't use curses or any type of physical attacks, but we do pray and proclaim truth with courage, conviction and compassion.
"Larry, isn't this a bit extreme?"
These men were passionate for God's honor and to see God's people obey His holy standards for marriage. The Scripture is honest—announcing without approving their actions. The lesson is that there come times for us to recognize the gravity of a situation, renounce passivity and do what is necessary to get ourselves and others back into alignment with God's Word.
Such a time is now!
Here's the Deal
Leaders. Declare the "whole counsel of God" (Acts 20:27) to those entrusted to your care. Refuse to shrink back from addressing any controversial topics, such as pornography, homosexuality, gay marriage, adultery, fornication, adultery and cohabitation. Winsomely and biblically equip your people so they understand these issues, can speak to others from a biblical worldview, and are challenged to live a life of happy holiness in accordance with the Word of God. No more avoidance of so-called "political, partisan, controversial" topics that might "offend people, hinder fundraising or make us less seeker-sensitive."
Married Couples. Determine to surround yourself with like-minded people in the context of a local church who reject the notion of easy divorce, understandable affairs or a lack of accountability and transparency in authentic, supportive relationships.
Parents. Recommit yourself to honoring God's standards for morality and marriage while modeling it at home; prioritizing regular times for creative (not boring or lengthy) devotional instruction and prayer; and carefully monitoring media influence, Internet usage, cellphones and selection of friends.
As pastors, couples and parents, let's also support wholesome entertainment alternatives. Seize teachable moments for instruction and interaction on today's hot button moral issues.
A quality film in the theaters at this time is called Gimme Shelter, which presents the pro-life position in a non-preachy way while upholding the importance of family and care for troubled youth.
I've worked for the past four years on a video that is now available free for viewing on YouTube. It's called "Is Gay OK? 10 Things Everyone Needs to Know." With all the falsehoods swirling around us in our culture deceiving millions—especially our young people—this video is a must-see.
Internationally known evangelist Bob Weiner says, "This is not a product but a prophetic statement to our generation!" Watch it. Post links. Share it on Facebook. Let righteous anger motivate you to Spirit-led action and making a difference in these closing hours of history.
We are not alone in what the Bible calls the "perilous times" of the last days prior to His glorious return (2 Tim. 3:1). We may not be a majority, but we will not remain a silent majority any longer.
On the night of the Grammys, my wife and I watched a special two-hour broadcast of The Bachelor on ABC. We never watch the show but tuned in because for the first time in 17 seasons, they featured a live wedding of a couple that was special. Like very few paraded on the show, this young man and young woman had pledged to live pure; the groom's father was a pastor; and they unashamedly prayed plus spoke of Jesus.
My wife and I could hardly believe what we were seeing! When the beaming groom said unabashedly, "I'm proud of my faith," and his glowing bride stood at his side, it was obvious they were different—ambassadors for the King of kings and Lord of lords. May we all do likewise in these trying times.
"So that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life" (Phil. 2:15-16).
Larry Tomczakis a best-selling author and cultural commentator with over 40 years of trusted ministry experience. His passion is to bring perspective, analysis and insight from a biblical worldview. He loves people and loves awakening them to today's cultural realities and the responses needed for the bride of Christ—His church—to become influential in all spheres of life once again.
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It’s been a popular post. Thankfully, I’ve not seemed to make a lot of women mad—a few, but not many that I have heard from yet. We will see how the men respond with this post.
As I committed, a companion post is warranted. Guys, we injure our wives. All of us do. We are different, and the way we respond to our wives often causes injury. And most of the time, it’s unintentional. We didn’t even know we were doing it.
I’m not making excuses for us. We should strive to learn our spouses and do better at understanding our differences, communicating better and injuring less. That’s what this post is about. Awareness. Understanding.
I ran this post by my wife, so it’s Cheryl-approved, although it wasn’t hard to write. As a counselor and pastor, I’ve worked with hundreds of couples and have seen this countless times. I wish I could say I never did any of these, but that would be a lie. This post is written with one finger pointed forward and four more pointed my way.
Here are seven ways a husband injures a wife without even knowing it:
1. Cuts her out of the discussion. When you act as if she isn’t even there or wouldn’t understand what you’re talking about, she feels a part of her is detached. She sees the marriage as a partnership in every part of life—even the parts she may never fully understand.
2. Fails to notice the difference she makes. A woman doesn’t want to be appreciated for only what she does. She wants you to appreciate who she is, but you can admit it—she does a lot. Whether it’s decorating the house or making sure the clothes are clean or that you have your favorite soap, a woman wants to know what she does is valued by you.
3. Underestimates the small stuff. You only said “this” but it was “THIS” to her. And it hurts. You may even think it’s funny. She may even laugh. But it is often building a wall of protection around her heart each time you do. The key here is that you can’t talk to her like you might talk to another guy. She hears and feels deeper than you do. Words can and do hurt.
4. Speaks with curtness.When you talk down to her, as if she’s somehow less than you, you bruise her spirit. Deeply. You know she’s not less than you—you don’t even think she is—but she just can’t tell that sometimes based on your tone and the way you talk to her.
5. Corrects her as she’s talking.This could be finishing her sentences or speaking for her in the company of others. She feels demeaned and devalued when you present her to others as if she can’t compete with you in original thought, which you know isn’t true. (My wife is much smarter than me.)
6. Acts suspicious.Don’t misunderstand or misapply this one. When you hide information, even when you think you’re protecting her, you cause her to question your motive. When you protect your calendar or act like you are upset at the question “What did you do today?” or “What did you talk about?” or “Who was that?” when someone calls, it gives her an eerie feeling something is wrong. And that hurts.
7. Admires other women over her. She sees you looking. She may even understand your highly visual makeup. It hurts her, however, when a glance becomes a stare, especially when it happens everywhere you go, all the time.
A wife’s heart, no matter how independent or strong she is, is tender in places—lots of places. She can bruise easily in some areas of her life, especially the places that involve the people she loves the most—like you. A husband who understands this is more careful in how he speaks and responds to her.
Most husbands I know would never injure their wife knowingly. They want to be her protector. Men, when we don’t realize the damage we are doing to our wives' emotions, we invalidate every desire we have to be her defender. I always like to use this thought as a reminder: Would I ever allow another man to speak to or treat my wife like I am doing?
She’s a precious gift, guys. Let’s treat her well.
What other ways do husbands injure their wives without even knowing it?
Ron Edmondson is a church planter and pastor with a heart for strategy, leadership and marketing, especially geared toward developing churches and growing and improving the kingdom of God.
