What Is the 'Normal' Amount of Sex for Married Couples? - CHARISMA

Is this an issue for you? (iStock photo)

What Is the 'Normal' Amount of Sex for Married Couples?

10/29/2015 B.J. FOSTER/FOR ALLPRODAD.COM  charisma magazine

A while back, I was having dinner with a group of friends. Most were married, but there were a handful of singles. Somehow the discussion turned to the frequency of married sex.

The conversation was driven by the singles—ones that longed to eventually be married—who were curious. How many times a week? How many times a month? They had heard of married couples not having sex and couldn't imagine it. In fact, they couldn't imagine anything less than once a day.

Every married person laughed. The questions continued. I knew what they were after. Since each married person at the table had a strong marriage, they felt like we were a good measurement for what was "normal" and perhaps "healthy."

As we all looked at one another wondering who was going to answer them, I realized we were thinking the same thing. There was hesitancy to reveal for fear that maybe other couples have sex more and are happier.

Maybe our sex life is a problem, and we should be having it more frequently. It certainly isn't as frequent as it used to be. Maybe that means our marriage is headed in a bad direction.

Finally, I decided to say what I thought was true for most marriages or, at least, what was true of ours. I was a little surprised (and relieved) at how quickly the other married people agreed with me. I think most married couples struggle with this issue. So let's ask the questions "Do we have less sex than other married couples?" and "When does it become a problem?"

Is There a Normal Amount?

No. It depends on each individual couple. There may be an average amount, but no "normal." I have seen surveys suggesting an average frequency of sex for married couples to be around a couple of times a month (once every 7-10 days). That doesn't mean that this is a number to aspire to or judge your marriage upon. What is normal and overwhelming are marriages with at least one partner who doesn't think they are doing it enough.

The key to a healthy sexual marriage is finding a frequency that works for both of you. [Tweet This] It takes a sacrificial love for one another. Investment grows desire. One partner with a low sex drive may need to initiate, even when they don't feel like it. Interestingly, having sex regularly raises the level of testosterone which increases desire.

It's like exercising. The more it's done, the higher the desire becomes to do it. On the other hand, the other partner may need to sacrifice their expectations and sexual needs. There has to be a meeting somewhere in the middle. All of this comes down to communication and to understanding. Talk and listen to one another. Seek to know each other, serve each other and love before being loved.

When Does It Become a Problem?

The problem occurs when couples resent one another and look out for themselves, rather than sacrificing. When a couple has sex once in a several month time frame, it may indicate problems below the surface. The same surveys indicated that couples having more sex were more fulfilled in their marriages; however, it is difficult to determine what leads to what.

Does having more sex alone lead to greater marriage fulfillment or is it vice versa? It's actually probably both working together. The couple willing to put the other first and invest in one another's needs before their own, physically and emotionally, will have a deeper level of satisfaction in their relationship.

Sound Off: What challenges have you faced in this area? 

Huddle up with your wife and ask, "What was the most romantic night we've ever spent together?"

© 2015 All Pro Dad. All Rights Reserved. Family First, All Pro Dad, iMOM, and Family Minute with Mark Merrill are registered trademarks. Used with permission.

For a limited time, we are extending our celebration of the 40th anniversary of Charisma. As a special offer, you can get 40 issues of Charisma magazine for only $40!

NEW - Life in the Spirit is your Spirit-filled teaching guide. Encounter the Holy Spirit, hear God speak to you, and enjoy timeless teachings on love, mercy and forgiveness.LEARN MORE!

Are You a Biblical Christian or a Cultural Christian? - CHARISMA MAGAZINE - NEW MAN

Are You a Biblical Christian or a Cultural Christian?

10/19/2015 PATRICK MORLEY/MAN IN THE MIRROR CHARISMA MAGAZINE

Editor's note: The book, The Man in the Mirror, is easily the most exponentially impactful resource Man in the Mirror Ministries has ever produced. And one of the concepts we've received the most favorable feedback about is the distinction between a cultural Christian and a biblical Christian. The following is an article on the subject adapted from the Revised and Updated 25th Anniversary Edition of The Man in the Mirror: Solving the 24 Problems Men Face.

Contrary to the opinions of some, Christianity is still flourishing in our society. There are more Christians today in America than ever before, both as a percentage and in total numbers. Roughly one in three Americans indicates they have asked Jesus to forgive their sins and grant them the gift of eternal life.

But here is the obvious question: If religion is such a big part of our lives, why isn't it making more of an impact on our society? The sad reality is that claims of religious commitment run high, but impact is at an all-time low.

And here's the problem: Although Christianity is flourishing, many of us who are Christians have gotten caught up in this increasingly bankrupt culture. We have adopted many of the values of the world around us. Maybe it's the new sexual ethics of cohabitation or pornography, rampant greed and materialism, or winking at the needs of the poor.

Galatians 5:9 explains why adopting these values is a problem: "A little yeast works through the whole batch of dough." So when we try to have the best of both worlds, we exchange the truth of God for a lie and the glory of God for idols, we do what seems right in our own eyes, we get engrossed in the secular world, and we worship created things instead of the Creator.

The result? Cultural Christianity. Cultural Christianity means pursuing the God we want instead of the God who is. It is the tendency to be shallow in our understanding of God, wanting Him to be more of a gentle grandfather type who spoils us and lets us have our own way. It is sensing a need for God, but on our own terms. It is wanting the God we have underlined in our Bibles without wanting the rest of Him too. It is God relative instead of God absolute.

What has been the result of this adaptive, cultural religion?

Two Kinds of Christians 

The ease with which people now associate themselves with religion has produced two kinds of Christians: biblical Christians and cultural Christians.

Jesus was the first to clarify the different types of people who would or would not associate with Him. The parable of the sower reveals four groups of hearers of the Word of God.

Group 1: The Non-Christian
"Those along the path are the ones who hear, and then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved" (Luke 8:12).

Christ makes clear the point that not everyone who hears about salvation will believe.

Group 2: The Cultural Christian, Type "C"

"Those on the rocky ground are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away" (Luke 8:13). 

Type "C" stands for counterfeit faith. Among us are some who profess to be Christians, but in reality they are not Christians at all; they are cultural Christians—type "C." They have a counterfeit faith—a faith that is not a genuine faith in Christ. Jesus said, "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven" (Matthew 7:21).

Without sounding a false alarm, but in love, I encourage every man who finds himself to be a cultural Christian to consider whether his faith is merely a defeated faith or a counterfeit faith. If counterfeit faith is the condition of your life, don't be discouraged. God loves you with an everlasting love and wants to reconcile with you. In the next chapter we will look at how you can get on, or back on, the right track.

Group 3: The Cultural Christian, Type "D"

"The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life's worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature" (Luke 8:14).

Sadly, there is little marginal difference between the way many Christians spend their money and the way non-Christians spend theirs. For a group whose primary commission is to be salt and light to a broken, confused world, this example does little to present a viable alternative to empty lifestyles.

Type "D" stands for defeated faith. The type "D" cultural Christian lives in defeat. There is little, if any, marginal difference between his lifestyle and the lifestyle of the man who makes no claim to be in Christ. He has never understood, perhaps because he has never been told, the difference between what it means to be a cultural Christian versus a biblical Christian. This is the category I flirted with before God brought me to my senses.

Group 4: The Biblical Christian

"But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop" (Luke 8:15).

A biblical Christian is a man who trusts in Christ, and Christ alone, for his salvation. As a result of his saving faith he desires to be obedient to God's principles out of the overflow of a grateful heart (see Romans 1:5). Obedience doesn't save us; faith does. This explains why some men can be cultural Christians—they have a saving faith, but they have not obediently made Christ Lord over all their lives. They have not allowed the Holy Spirit to empower them.

What does it mean to be a cultural Christian today?

Lessons from Elementary School

Do you remember your elementary school teacher demonstrating the principle of diffusion? She started with a clear glass of water. Then with an eyedropper she took some red food dye from a bottle and squeezed one drop into the glass. Within moments, the water was tainted with a pinkish hue as the dye permeated the water in the glass.

To be a cultural Christian in your parents' generation was to be like a clear glass of water with one drop of red dye. In other words, the secular culture was not that different from the Christian culture. That was before the days of Internet pornography, abortion on demand, explicit sex during prime-time TV, songs that degrade women, and a drug culture that's hard to avoid. So a man could be a cultural Christian and still be somewhat close to a Christian worldview and values.

To be a cultural Christian today is like having the whole bottle of red dye poured in the glass.

A Look in the Mirror

The man in the mirror will never change until he is willing to see himself as he really is, and to commit to know God as He really is. This objectivity anchors a man; it gives him the clarity of thought he needs to be a biblical Christian.

Is the man looking back at you in the mirror a cultural Christian or a biblical Christian?

Patrick Morley is the founder of Man in the Mirror Ministries. For the original article, visit maninthemirror.org.

For a limited time, we are extending our celebration of the 40th anniversary of Charisma. As a special offer, you can get 40 issues of Charisma magazine for only $40!

NEW - Life in the Spirit is your Spirit-filled teaching guide. Encounter the Holy Spirit, hear God speak to you, and enjoy timeless teachings on love, mercy and forgiveness.LEARN MORE!

How to Win the Battle of Sexual Temptation

How do you fight the battle of sexual temptation? (iStock photo )

How to Win the Battle of Sexual Temptation

 9/24/2015 BJ FOSTER/ALLPRODAD.COM  charisma magazine

When World War I broke out, new military technologies were brought to the battlefields. Tragically, military leaders continued to use outdated strategies leading to catastrophic outcomes.

Open-field charges of enemy position may have worked in the 19th century, but in the new era of the machine gun, it was a disaster. War became more complex and new fighting techniques needed to be adopted.

Our world continues to change every day requiring us to adapt, particularly with technology. One of the biggest dangers to marriages is in the area of sexual temptation. It leads to relational issues and, too often, failed marriages.

This has been true throughout history. However, changing definitions of appropriate clothing and the emerging media-saturated culture filled with sexually charged images have made the battlefield more complex.

Recently, All Pro Dad Founder Mark Merrill spoke with Steve Arterburn, author of Every Man's Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time. Mr. Arterburn has counseled numerous men and women on this issue on the front lines. He shared with us some important ways of fighting temptation that will lead to more fulfilling relationships.

Here's how to win the battle:

Building Restraint

Fighting temptation starts by building the discipline of restraint. Those who desire to resist sexual temptation must possess the ability to deny themselves instant pleasures. That ability doesn't just appear, it needs to be built. Think about it like training for a marathon. No one can run twenty-six miles without doing many smaller distance runs that lead up to it. Eventually, muscles and endurance are strengthened for the longer runs. Building up the ability to resist sexual temptation starts with practicing small denials.

Consistent small acts of discipline become habits that form strong character.

Control Your Eyes

Images you view will form a photo album or video library in your brain. The more time you spend looking at something the more those pictures become vividly clear and permanent. That library profoundly affects our feelings and attitudes, particularly about our spouses. It becomes easy to compare them to the images we house. Practice the discipline of bouncing your eyes away from things that awaken sexual desire apart from your spouse. Reserve those looks for what belongs to you—your wife. Looking solely to her to awaken those desires will increase your wife's attractiveness in your mind make it easier to connect.

Protect the Mind

There are thoughts, images, and ideas that will enter our minds. When they do, we have a decision to make. We can either continue to think about them or escort them out. The problem occurs when we get a tempting or potentially destructive thought that we nurture rather than eliminate. If there are things that enter your mind that don't belong there, practice the discipline of stopping the thought process and changing it to something else. Perhaps shift the focus again to your spouse, God, or other things that are right to think about.

Be Open and Honest

Finally, it's easy to justify something that is happening inside your head. The problem is that those attitudes never stop in the inside. They eventually find their way to the surface in attitudes of discontentment and coldness with a spouse. Even if those attitudes are ever so slight, they push couples in a direction of disconnection. First, be honest with yourself about the impact of giving in to sexual temptation.

Next, find a friend or group of guys that you can be open with about how you are doing in building these disciplines. Give them authority to hold you accountable to living a higher standard and provide them with the same encouragement. We were never meant to do this alone.

If you would like to listen to the interview of Steve Arterburn by All Pro Dad Founder Mark Merrill, click here.

BJ Foster is the Content Manager for All Pro Dad and a married father of two. For the original article, visit allprodad.com.

For a limited time, we are extending our celebration of the 40th anniversary of Charisma. As a special offer, you can get 40 issues of Charisma magazine for only $40!

NEW - Life in the Spirit is your Spirit-filled teaching guide. Encounter the Holy Spirit, hear God speak to you, and enjoy timeless teachings on love, mercy and forgiveness.LEARN MORE!

9 Things Men Seek at Church

8/28/2014 STEVE SONDERMAN  CHARISMA MAGAZINE

Men, what are you looking for in your local church? (Lightstock file photo)

There is no easy answer, but in this article I would like to provide some basic principles that will help you develop a male-friendly church. The overriding principle is simply this:

The environment you develop is more important than the events or programs you put on. A man is looking for an environment that is consistent with who he is as a man and a place where he feels comfortable belonging and becoming the man God wants him to be.

1. Relevance. Most men in our society today do not see the value of going to church because it is not speaking their language, and it is not addressing the issues they face. For example, a recent survey showed that 92 percent of church-going men have never heard a sermon on the subject of work. The unspoken message is: What you do for 60 to 70 hours a week does not relate to what you do on Sunday mornings. The most important issues for men are their work, family, marriage, sexuality and finances—and rarely are these addressed from the pulpit today? Some of the key questions men are asking are:

• What is true masculinity?
• What is success?
• How do I deal with guilt feelings?
• What is male sexuality?
• Is purity possible today?
• What does a healthy marriage look like?
• How can I raise my children to be successful?
• How can I be a man of integrity in the workplace?
• How can I be a leader in the home, church, workplace and world?
• What is my purpose in life?

2. To be involved in a cause greater than themselves. Men want to be involved in something driven by a compelling vision. Men want to know what hill the church is climbing, where we are going, what we are about. The church has the greatest and most far-reaching mission on Earth, and we should not be bashful about challenging the men of our congregation with it.

3. A shot at greatness. I have never met a man who wanted to be a failure or a loser. Men want to win. They want to be heroes. They want to come in first. Unfortunately, it seems the church today wants nice men, not great men.

4. To be challenged. Men tend to view the world around them as something to be overcome or conquered. It's high time we told them they do not have to check their competitive drive at the door of the church. If they are seeking risk, adventure, change, competition and expansion—tell them how to find it within the mission of Jesus.

5. Action. Men today are looking for something to do; they do not like sitting around and theorizing about the 27 views of the second coming of Christ! Men measure themselves by productivity and gain a portion of self-image based on what they do. Their desire for adventure is often expressed in the desire to be on the solution side of things. Many churches today are in maintenance mode, rather than being missional.

6. Men are looking for leaders, and they want to be leaders. This principle is simple: Men do not follow programs, they follow men. They want to follow a bold, courageous, visionary leader. Establish an environment where strong leadership is attractive. Not only are men looking for a leader to follow, they want to become leaders themselves. They want to lead in their family, workplace, church, community and world. One of the things you can do is equip them to lead.

7. Fun. If men walk into a church and see a bunch of serious, stoic-looking people, shouldn't they wonder if Christianity really is a killjoy? The world is a serious place; men are looking to laugh and have fun to balance that reality. They love a good joke, funny story or movie. I encourage you to develop a ministry environment in which men have fun together.

8. Brothers. Most men have many acquaintances, but very few men have a good friend. According to statistics, the average man over 35 years old does not have one close friend. Men need teaching on how to develop and strengthen friendships and an environment where they can find genuine male friends.

9. Healing. Many are using socially unacceptable means to deal with their pain—making their work or their hobbies their life, misusing sex, drugs or alcohol. Unless these wounds and hurts are dealt with in a healthy way, they will never become the man that God wants them to be. They will never be able to have healthy relationships or move on from childish behavior.

I hope some of these insights from my own ministry to men will serve you well as you seek to minister more effectively to the men of your church and community.

Steve Sonderman is the associate pastor for men's ministry at Elmbrook Church in Brookfield, Wis., and the author of How to Build a Life-Changing Men's Ministry.

For the original article, visit men.ag.org.

Have you thanked your wife lately for all of the wonderful things she does? (iStock photo)

7 Things for Which to Thank Your Wife

5/7/2014 ALLPRODAD.COM STAFF  CHARISMA MAGAZINE

We men can be notoriously bad at thanking people, starting with the person we love the most: our wife. Here are seven quick things we can thank our spouse for, one per day for the next week:

1. “Thanks for putting up with me and for loving me. I know I am not always easy to live with.”

2. “Thanks for all you do to provide good food for our family to eat.”

3. “Thanks for all you do around the house. You do a great job keeping things clean and organized.”

4. “Thanks for pouring your life into our children and making that tough but worthwhile investment.”

5. “Thank you for all the times you have prayed for me. Please keep it up!”

6. “Thank you for being wise with our finances to give our family a bright future.”

7. “Thanks for being you, for putting your family first, and for looking so gorgeous while you do it!”

All Pro Dad is Family First’s innovative and unique program for every father. Their aim is to interlock the hearts of the fathers with their children and, as a byproduct, the hearts of the children with their dads. At AllProDad.com, dads in any stage of fatherhood can find helpful resources to aid in their parenting. Resources include daily emails, blogs, Top 10 lists, articles, printable tools, videos and eBooks. From AllProDad.com, fathers can join the highly engaged All Pro Dad social media communities on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube and Instagram.

For the original article, visit allprodad.com.

Are We Teaching Our Kids Reality? - JIM DALY - Charisma Magazine

Are you teaching you children the realities of life? (iStock photo)

Charisma Magazine

Are We Teaching Our Kids Reality?

4/30/2014 JIM DALY 

Not long ago, a Christian speaker admitted to his audience that his son was in prison for burglary.

“But,” he said, “we’ve done a great job as parents.”

The crowd looked puzzled.

“Because actually,” he added, “he was born an ax murderer.”

Naturally, the audience laughed. It’s a great line. There’s absolutely no truth in it, but it’s a great line. And in its own weird way, it hits the heart of what we’re supposed to be doing as parents—showing and telling our kids how to become good, reliable, upstanding adults, and as we do so, gently guiding them away from the serial killer career track.

Parents are teachers. And from the day our kids are born, we’re on the job. Sometimes we don’t even know that we’re teaching. Our kids learn how to smile and laugh and talk simply by watching and listening to us, and they figure out quickly that screaming is a great way to get some attention.

And as they grow up, they continue to learn from us by observation, often regretfully so. Kids who unexpectedly start cussing in front of grandma may have picked up those choice words from daddy during a particularly stressful drive to school. Statistically, teens who become smokers or drinkers took their first cues from mom and dad. The old cliché of “Do as I say, not as I do”? Children hardly ever listen to that piece of advice.

But often we do give our kids very intentional lessons. We encourage them to walk and show them how to use the potty by themselves (in the appropriate receptacle, we hope). We teach them to always tell the truth and to look both ways before crossing the street. We train them how to hold their silverware correctly and how to use a stick shift.

But I believe we have a more fundamental and basic lesson to teach our kids. We must teach them what reality is. We must show them how to look at the world with a clear eye and sober heart. We have to show them that while beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, truth isn’t. Truth remains the same wherever one finds it. And a key to growing up on this planet reasonably healthy and happy is to recognize the truth when we see it.

It’s a trickier proposition than you might think, particularly in our confusing 21st century. Lots of people out there today tell us that truth is really a matter of opinion—“You have your truth, I have mine.” Spin obscures everything, from advertising pitches and marketing gimmicks to political punditry and sophistry. Plenty of people out there try to convince us that up is down (or at least a little crooked or slanted). Our own emotions and biases can obscure the real truth, and so we have to teach our sons and daughters how to look past what they feel in the moment and see the bigger picture.

Of course, for us dads to teach the truth to our kids, we have to know it ourselves. And that’s where we often struggle. After all, we have our own emotions and biases to contend with. We have our own susceptibilities to spin. And sometimes our take on the world might be just plain off.

If our kids got locked away for burglary, we might very much want to believe that our good parenting saved them from an even worse fate. But the truth might look a lot different.

And as fathers, we need to do the best job possible to know reality—not as we’d like it to be or fear it to be, but as it really is.

Jesus addressed that sense of reality in Matthew 7:3–5: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

In a sense, Jesus asked us, “Do you know reality? Not what you think you see, not what you think you feel. Do you know what is real?”

As fathers, we need to know reality. We must know how others see us. How we really speak to others. The difference between fact and opinion.

We need to, for instance, be real in how we see ourselves and our own strengths and weaknesses. Where have we come up short in raising a family? When have we failed to spend time with our wives and kids? How did those shortcomings affect those around us? We have to be honest with ourselves, because only then can we be honest with our children. We need to apologize when we do something wrong and make it up to them the best way we know how.

We need to be honest about our own children too. Sometimes we believe our kids can do no wrong, and so when a teacher calls to tell us that Johnny is acting out in class or isn’t paying attention during social studies, we blame the teacher. Some parents see the opposite when it comes to their children—that they can never get anything right. We scold and chastise them for every little thing until we crush their spirit and bring their tether to us nearly to its breaking point.

And, most importantly, we need to get on the same page with Mom, our child-rearing partner.

Taken from The Good Dad by Jim Daly. Copyright © 2014 by Jim Daly. Use by permission of Zondervan.www.zondervan.com

5 Things Every Married Man Should Do Around Single Women by BRYAN VAN SLYKE

Except in extreme circumstances, a married man should never 

take his wedding ring off. (iStock photo)

5 Things Every Married Man Should Do Around Single Women

3/19/2014 BRYAN VAN SLYKE   CHARISMA MAGAZINE / MANTURITY  

A wise man once told me that when I find myself around single women, especially when I find them attractive or interesting, I should mention my wife and family early in the conversation. I have found this advice to be very useful on many occasions.

Fellow husbands, I have found the above advice and the other tips at the bottom to be essential in keeping my marriage healthy and strong. I want my marriage to be strong and healthy, and so should you! In fact, it’s one of the biggest responsibilities in your marriage.

So let’s dig deeper into this subject. Where are some common places that you might run into this scenario? For many of you, it could easily happen at work. You could be starting a new job and find yourself around a lot of nice, new women. When this happens, you have to make the choice to embrace their attention or extinguish it in a friendly way by mentioning your beautiful wife and family.

For some of you, you have been working around the same women for some time. You might have chosen many times to engage in flirty conversation or to go out with co-workers after work. If this is you and your wife is at home waiting for you, then it’s time to step back and assess your position as the husband and leader. Take the necessary steps to make your relationship with your wife the most important one again and don’t forget it. Lead gentlemen, lead!

Even though those were only a couple of quick examples, I know there are a few of you out there that need to step up your role as a husband. Those examples don’t apply to you? Then consider who you know and talk to at your gym; the grocery store; the local hang out, or wherever. These “simple” places could produce difficult relationships that will harm your relationship and love with your wife. Man up and do what needs to be done for your marriage!

Now that I have your attention, here are 5 things every married man should do around single women:

1. Keep your ring on. There are very few exceptions for when that ring needs to be off. Operating heavy machinery, swimming in shark-infested waters, etc. If you are about to enter a situation that makes you look at your ring and consider if you need it on or not, LEAVE! RUN! GET AWAY FROM THERE! Seriously, get out of that situation; your vows, marriage, children and more depend on those important decisions (Read Luke 16:10 ESV).

2. Hang up pictures of your wife at work. A married man in this position would be wise to pick out a couple of great and fun photos of he and his wife and keep them displayed at his office or place of work. Pick a time that was fun for two reasons: it will remind you why you love her so much, and it will make for a great conversation tool when others, especially women, ask about it. Update the image as needed to keep the people around you knowing your relationship is continuing to grow. Get that picture up this week and extinguish those flames (Read Psalm 119:37 ESV).

3. Keep eye contact simple and short. Don’t read this the wrong way; I’m not saying to be rude. I’m saying to be careful where your eyes travel and how long they travel for when you are in the presence of an attractive single woman. You know that once you engage in the first serious look you have signed the dotted line for more eye trouble.Read more about that “first look” here. Keep it short, keep it decisive and move on. Get back to that image posted at your desk. Go! (Read Matthew 5:28, KJV)

4. Keep conversation general and professional. If you work around single women, there is no question that conversation will come up. It’s up to you on how you decide to speak with her. You can choose to keep it short and general, you can choose to keep it professional or you can choose to keep it off of those and allow it go places it shouldn’t. Be polite, but very intentional in your conversations. If needed, again, always be ready to bring up something about your wife or family. Pull the pin, aim and distinguish. Safety first (Read Romans 6:13, ESV).

5. Talk about your wife and family often. Did I mention anything about talking about your wife in conversation yet? I believe I did, but this last point brings the idea to a firm home. The single women you engage with each day, if you have to, should be no match to your wife and family. Your family should be your first priority wherever you are and with whomever you encounter each day. Yes, each and every day. Keep it short, keep it simple and mention your beautiful wife. Now pat yourself on the back and keep it up (Read Ephesians 5:25-33, ESV). 

Important Note: No matter what you have done with your current relationships with single women, these steps can and should be started at anytime. Your wife’s feelings are and will always be more important then the woman you need to take these steps with. Get on it!

I challenge you to take these bold steps for you, your marriage and your family. Again, it’s your responsibility to LEAD!

List one of your own tips and let’s help out our fellow husbands!

Manturity is a blog built on establishing spiritual maturity in today’s man. The goal is to assist men in building better marriages and help them in grow in maturity and explore different aspects of manhood. Manturity.com features new weekly blog posts, daily social media updates and a powerful resources page. Stay up to date with the Manturity blog communities on Facebook and Twitter.

For the original article, visit manturity.com.

7 Ways a Husband Injures a Wife Without Even Knowing It

1/29/2014 RON EDMONDSON

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Husbands, do you injure your wives without even knowing it? (Stock Free Images)

I recently posted “7 Ways a Wife Injures a Husband Without Even Knowing It.” 

It’s been a popular post. Thankfully, I’ve not seemed to make a lot of women mad—a few, but not many that I have heard from yet. We will see how the men respond with this post.

As I committed, a companion post is warranted. Guys, we injure our wives. All of us do. We are different, and the way we respond to our wives often causes injury. And most of the time, it’s unintentional. We didn’t even know we were doing it.

I’m not making excuses for us. We should strive to learn our spouses and do better at understanding our differences, communicating better and injuring less. That’s what this post is about. Awareness. Understanding.

I ran this post by my wife, so it’s Cheryl-approved, although it wasn’t hard to write. As a counselor and pastor, I’ve worked with hundreds of couples and have seen this countless times. I wish I could say I never did any of these, but that would be a lie. This post is written with one finger pointed forward and four more pointed my way.

Here are seven ways a husband injures a wife without even knowing it:

1. Cuts her out of the discussion. When you act as if she isn’t even there or wouldn’t understand what you’re talking about, she feels a part of her is detached. She sees the marriage as a partnership in every part of life—even the parts she may never fully understand.

2. Fails to notice the difference she makes. A woman doesn’t want to be appreciated for only what she does. She wants you to appreciate who she is, but you can admit it—she does a lot. Whether it’s decorating the house or making sure the clothes are clean or that you have your favorite soap, a woman wants to know what she does is valued by you.

3. Underestimates the small stuff. You only said “this” but it was “THIS” to her. And it hurts. You may even think it’s funny. She may even laugh. But it is often building a wall of protection around her heart each time you do. The key here is that you can’t talk to her like you might talk to another guy. She hears and feels deeper than you do. Words can and do hurt.

4. Speaks with curtness. When you talk down to her, as if she’s somehow less than you, you bruise her spirit. Deeply. You know she’s not less than you—you don’t even think she is—but she just can’t tell that sometimes based on your tone and the way you talk to her.

5. Corrects her as she’s talking. This could be finishing her sentences or speaking for her in the company of others. She feels demeaned and devalued when you present her to others as if she can’t compete with you in original thought, which you know isn’t true. (My wife is much smarter than me.)

6. Acts suspicious. Don’t misunderstand or misapply this one. When you hide information, even when you think you’re protecting her, you cause her to question your motive. When you protect your calendar or act like you are upset at the question “What did you do today?” or “What did you talk about?” or “Who was that?” when someone calls, it gives her an eerie feeling something is wrong. And that hurts.

7. Admires other women over her. She sees you looking. She may even understand your highly visual makeup. It hurts her, however, when a glance becomes a stare, especially when it happens everywhere you go, all the time.

A wife’s heart, no matter how independent or strong she is, is tender in places—lots of places. She can bruise easily in some areas of her life, especially the places that involve the people she loves the most—like you. A husband who understands this is more careful in how he speaks and responds to her.

Most husbands I know would never injure their wife knowingly. They want to be her protector. Men, when we don’t realize the damage we are doing to our wives' emotions, we invalidate every desire we have to be her defender. I always like to use this thought as a reminder: Would I ever allow another man to speak to or treat my wife like I am doing?

She’s a precious gift, guys. Let’s treat her well.

What other ways do husbands injure their wives without even knowing it?

Ron Edmondson is a church planter and pastor with a heart for strategy, leadership and marketing, especially geared toward developing churches and growing and improving the kingdom of God.

 For the original article, visit ronedmondson.com.